mercredi 30 décembre 2015

༺ Bad advice ༻


It seems that for a lot of people, if you are hesitating between doing something you want to do and not doing it, between doing the thing and not doing the thing, the better choice is doing the thing because otherwise you will regret it forever.  As if regret for not doing something was THE MOST negative thing in the world and every other outcome would be preferable.  That, to me, is incredibly bad advice. Because maybe, just maybe, doing the thing would create even more regret.
I remember when we had a choice to make between selling our home to open a brick and mortar store for our online business or just close the online store and move on, let go of that idea.  A few people told me that if we didn’t open the store, I would regret it forever and always wonder if it would have been a success. We did end up deciding to sell our home and go for it (having regrets later didn’t factor in our decision at all) because we were doing it with the hope that it would be a success, that it would be the answer we were looking for in terms of dh and I working together and our kids having something to fall back on one day.  Turns out it was a failure in more ways than one.  But would I have had regrets if we had not done it?  Well I strongly doubt it; and even more so if I had the intelligence to ask myself the right questions before doing it.  But for one thing, time would have proven to me that our idea was a bad one simply because 24 months later, 3 other similar (very targeted) businesses that also had gone from online to brick and mortar had closed for the same reason. I would had taken that, I am convinced, as a sign that we had made the right choice in closing our business and keeping our house and not gambling away our financial security.
So I have the regret of having done the thing.  
Do you know what I really regret?  I regret being broken.  I regret not having accepted myself the way I was and realized that it was a terrible idea for me, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. I regret not being skeptical enough and relying too much on positive thinking for a positive outcome.  I regret my kids not having their pool, their swings, their little country paradise.  I regret that we might never be able to afford having our own home again and even more so considering that we probably can’t afford to rent forever either.  I regret not having understood that you need money to make money. It’s not just a saying, it’s true.  It is for most of us anyway.  I regret not having understood that willing it, and wanting it, and having beautiful ideals and gentle dreams are not a guarantee of success.  I regret what the stress and financial worries have done to my kids and husband.  I regret that I feel like I will never be the same, health wise. That I will never fully be able to get “back on the horse”.

So if not feeling regret is an important factor in a decision,  I will not forget to ask myself which will be bigger and harder to live with:  the regret of not doing the thing, or the regret of having done the thing and it not working out like the postcard that I have of it in my head.
But there are a lot of other questions that I will ask myself, if ever I have another choice to make between doing the thing and not doing it:
1. Can I live with the consequences?  Am I physically, mentally and emotionally equipped for less then optimal results?
2.  How long can my loved one sustain this decision and are they equipped for the consequences?
3.  How long can I sustain this decision?
4.  If I mess up, how long will I have to pay for this bad decision?
5. Where is my mind at right now?  Am I overly relying on positive thinking or wrapped up in an ideology, or in idealism?
~ written July 21st, 2015